Embracing Transformation: Rediscovering Yourself After Having a Baby 

The overall theme for this year’s maternal mental health week is ‘Rediscovering you’. Today, on the fourth day of this annual event we will take a closer look at identity transformation and the journey of reconnecting with or rediscovering yourself once becoming a mother.  

Change and motherhood are synonymous with each other. When we become a mother nearly every aspect of the world we knew before motherhood changes. Many of the factors that played a central role in our sense of self and identity will likely have changed too. For example, often our body looks different and so the way in which we dress and express our identity in this way may also change. This may be in part to accommodate aspects of motherhood such as breastfeeding. Perhaps also because parts of our body are still recovering from birth or a different shape or size and so the clothes we wore before pregnancy just don’t feel as comfortable or fit in the same way that they did before. We may also find that we don’t have the same time to dedicate to getting ready and so how we present ourselves to the world and express our identity in this way will be different. Moreover, how we spend our time and who we spend our time with will have changed. Most women that are working will take a break from work, even if only for a short period of time. Work, and our career, often form a significant part of our sense of self and identity, and so when we are not at work, we may find ourselves missing that part of ourselves and what work meant to and gave to us.  

All this change can feel very destabilizing, it’s not surprising that during this huge period of change and transition women often talk about feeling lost and disconnected from the person they were before they become a mother.  

If you can relate to this and recognize that you have been feeling a little lost and disconnected from yourself since becoming a mother, I want to share some tips with you, to give you hope and help you navigate this period of transition and reconnect with and rediscover yourself. 

Realistic expectations – We often hear terms such as ‘snapping back’ and ‘getting back to my old self’. These phrases highlight the pressure and often unhelpful and unhealthy expectations placed on women to look, feel and operate like the person they were before they had children.  

This leads to women longing to look, feel and live their lives as they did before motherhood, and feeling sad, despondent or even sometimes as though they are failing if they don’t achieve this. The reality is that this simply isn’t possible! This is a period of huge transformation and change, Let’s try and shift this perspective and set realistic expectations for yourself. Let’s try instead to see this as an opportunity for transformational growth. Instead of looking back and wanting to get back to who you were before you had children, let’s look forward and cease the opportunity to become a new and improved version of yourself.  

Identifying strengths as a mother – We often focus on what motherhood has stripped away from our lives, sense of self and identity since becoming a mother. What if we look at this another way? What has becoming a mother added to your life, sense of self and identity in a positive and beneficial way?  

Connecting with our values – What do you miss about your life, your sense of self or identity now that you are a mother? What do you long for or wish that you could do? Maybe it is possible to do the things you miss or reconnect with the parts of yourself you long to reconnect with. However, sometimes this isn’t so possible. If this is the case, try reflecting on what this previous part of your life meant or represented to or for you? Try and think about the value that this represents. For example, is it a sense of connection, joy, laughter, independence or adventure. Once you identify the value, get creative! Try and think about other ways in which you can connect with this value during this current stage of motherhood.  

Support – The saying ‘it takes a village’ really is true! Take some time to think about who is in your support system. Share how you are feeling with you and seek support, whether it’s practical support to enable you some time alone to engage in a hobby or emotional support, don’t be afraid to reach out and ask for help.  

 Patience – maybe most importantly, be kind and patient with yourself. Personally, in some of my hardest moments of early motherhood I always found the phrase ‘you are finding this hard because it is hard’ really helpful. Whilst it might seem an obvious statement it helped normalize the struggles I was experiencing. Becoming a mother is a huge life and role change, it takes time to ‘find your feet’. It’s normal and understandable to feel a little lost. Be patient with yourself, in time you will find your way and find your new sense of self and identity. 

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